Once Burnt *with a note from the author*

** Originally posted on Simply a Life on June 9, 2011. Months have passed, time has mellowed that bitter pill I swallowed in placing faith where there was not solid ground to support it. I know we all live and learn. (I just wish I had been paying attention in class. ) Word of advice to my readers...trust your intuition..especially if you are a woman. I ignored mine for a damn long time, and it cost me dearly.

It is never too late to start over again, though I had and still have some resentment to losing so much time on a false love, But that was My own fault. Dreams are wonderful things, but not when they blind us to reality. My promise to myself after all that has passed? To believe in me, to listen to my heart, and face life with my eyes open.

The trust issue? I think that will depend on the next man who might offer his heart to me. No two people are the same. Faith, faithfulness and honesty come from a place inside us, either we have it or we don't. If this 'maybe man' has those qualities..there will never be a whisper of mistrust. I plan to trust MY intuition. It has never failed me, I just failed to listen because it was too painful to face the truth.

~*k

Once Burnt

Once burnt, one hundred times shy,

I am waiting with eyes opened wide.

Placing the memories of my past behind me,

pulling the door closed and turning the key.

Turning to face an unknown new start,

a dawn of determination with a guarded heart.

No more heartbreak, and no more lies,

my smile shows hope, and a heart become wise.

I won't be so quick to ever trust again,

sadly, the gift, of an unworthy man.

No Need

* this poem is from my blog "Souly Speaking", and I missed copying it and found it after one intrepid reader spent some time going through some of my earlier blogs. I felt it was worth posting here, though it is a very angry piece. As I have mentioned before, those days are past, I've moved on, but it might strike a chord for a reader who faces a similar situation..being dumped for another woman.

Have at it!

lol...k

No need to worry,
I've put my 'running after you shoes' away.
No need to think
that I am still so desperate I would bury my pride.
No need to presume
that I will be lost without you.( umm...No.)
No need to remind me,
I have past that point..please pay attention.
No need to believe
that you are a prize that I must retain.
No need to fret,
I am not an obstacle in your path any longer.
No need to hold onto
the thought that you are irreplaceable,
because you will be replaced.

No need to wake up,
you will repeat these years again with someone new.
No need to see your own pattern
of cyclical boredom and meaningless affairs.
No need to understand
that faithfulness is a good character trait.
No need to stop repeating your mantra of I love you's,
your newest will go the way the rest of us have
once her newness has worn off.
No need to stop imagining yourself in love once again,
time will tell the truth of it.
No need to think
that no one 'gets' what life is about but you.
No need to expect
that I will suddenly revert back to the person
I was with you.
I have found me again.
I can see that I am
a woman of character and will be true to myself.
Pretty Awesome...(to borrow someone else's favorite phrase)

No need to understand that maturity
is a gift.
We get older, no less beautiful,
just in a different way.
No need to see
that Youth is over rated.
Who we have grown to be, is what cannot be found in
someone of lesser years.
The young have many miles to travel;
Growing up to do, changes to make, and pain and love to deal with
before they can come close to reaching that same point.
No need to think I am waiting
to see that in you.
The ticket was purchased, but you got lost on the way
to meet that train.
Too busy trying to stay young by jumping
from one 'in love with' person to the next,
and missing the beauty of a love that was fully grown.
No need to think it will be waiting for you.
It got back on the train that goes forward and not reverse.

In love, out of love

In Love. Out of Love.

In makes you dizzy trying to comprehend.

Why we humans were made this way,

I'll never understand.

Nor will I begin to figure out the 'real' heart of a man.

It resides not in center left,

or in the "Soul' per say,

but look lower on their bodies,

to well below the belt line way.

Constantly believing that lust is love,

is the direct moral to this story,

The 'Penis' lives to bend his mind,

and sell 'Love' in all it's glory.

Mind control at it's finest measure,

his 'real' love affair, is with his greatest treasure.

Not for the woman to which he declared undying devotion,

but that tiny head which explodes in forward motion.

Ha!

kel

The Next Act

Bright sunshine, a breeze that hints

of Autumn days to come

that puts a spring in your step, and sends

energy pumping, waking up after sleepy days.

Gray skies sneaking back, whispering of

rain, clouds nudging each other to crowd

out blue and sunny skies.

Summer holding on with both hands,

pulling taut the rope that

changes the scenery, holding

back the change of seasons

as long as it can.

Raindrops waiting for their cue,

clustered together behind the clouds,

whispering their lines, on the edge

and ready to rush forward to take their place.

This day that started sunny,

now waiting to change.

And the show goes on.

Thief of Time

* yes..also published early February of 2011..such a wonderfully pain filled time that was for me. -k*

Thief of Time


Getting older days seem more precious,
something to savor and simply live.

To loose so much time
that will never come back.
It seems stolen, taken away,
a thief of days, years.

I wonder how long you knew
that you were taking years I
could never hope to retrieve?

Criminal. Death of time.
Slayer of seconds,
Destroyer of years.

Those years filled with memories
no longer precious.
Love made them shine,
Lies tarnish and dull them.

Thief of time.
Killer of Dreams.
Life is far too short to waste.
What you have taken was mine..
and I can never have them back.

Say Yay!

* originally posted on 2-10-2011..yes..I was very angry, especially then, and it took months for me to cool down. I still have anger, don't get me wrong, but it does not drive me anymore. It sits way in the back and occasionally throws popcorn at the screen.-k*

Say yay, to anger and indifference.
Say yay, that you do not matter anymore.
Say yahoo..that I couldn't really give a chit that you are wasting your life, killing your car on a drive to nowhere.
Good for you. I wish you every unhappiness.
I owe you nothing, not friendship, not courtesy, not a thing.
Tolerance it seems will become the watchword.


Takers, players, people who cheat...
To their own selves discover the taste of defeat.( raises a glass)
I have stopped wondering why.
I have stopped the endless pain filled cry.
To myself I shall devote a future
filled with friends, away from your torture.

Whatever pleasure you derived while I bled
that's over with, no more shall your ego be fed.

You matter not.
I plan to sit back and watch as you lose.
Disaster in proportion to the heart that you bruised.
(I think some popcorn would be good, maybe a soda.)
But, I will likely be too busy to care,
I've got plans for a future, and you won't be there.

I'm finished bemoaning the loss of my life,
and I pity the woman who will be your wife.

Comparing me to your past wife, what an idiot you are.
We only carry one common link, and that is love's scars.
Delivered by the same man, who cares for no one but himself.
I have doubts that you will ever find the elusive happiness you seek,
it's easier to blame someone else than to admit you are weak.

You devote yourself to looking for the error in others
while your mirror remains blank, your faults covered.
You cannot be a champion for truth
when you constantly dismiss what is right, and what is good.

So in a sense, a windbag, a blowhard, a shell,
who will only find truth when it bites you in hell.

Illusion

Don't imagine your intelligence sets you above anyone.

Or somehow makes others 'less than' when compared to you.

Differences are what makes the world a better place.

If everyone used quick wit and cruelty as well as you do

then we'd constantly be treating our wounds.

The pedestal that you believe raises you

above others, is just an illusion.

Someone might knock it over.

Fast Car to Hell

* just because it was fun...k*

Fast car blazing in flame
eating up miles
in the fast lane.
Swiftly approaching the end of the road
a cargo of sins
is the payload.

Patiently waiting
the Devil stands still
his handshake a greeting
for the person at the wheel.

"Well done, and welcome home"
he says with a grin
"your place is waiting
come right on in".

I see in the trunk
that you've packed so well,
the reason you have
made it, your future in hell.

I Am

*one of my favorites, a shared view of many ladies who are set aside for someone of lesser years...because that is what society teaches men today, age before beauty..young before beautiful in heart and in their souls.*-k

I am...
a beautiful mature woman.

I am witty (sometimes sarcastic-it's genetics.)
I am fun to be with, and have a wicked streak
that catches people unaware. (I get a kick out of watching their faces
stop in surprise then burst out laughing, because, yes..I did just say that.)

I never stop learning, or reading to learn,
though I do prefer fiction to dry testimonials.
Vivid characters take you on a mind vacation..cheaper than flying.

My true friends love sharing my company.
I don't show my optimistic side to the world,
but it is there, hidden in my dreams.
When I work, I work hard, and enjoy doing it.
( though Lord knows a better paycheck would be Very Good)

I am deserving of respect, because I am
old fashioned and I have earned it,
by living a life my parents and grandparents would be proud of.

I love watching my gardens grow, and nurturing them to see
the beauty emerge, sharing it with all who would care to see.

I have depth not always shared, especially if I do not believe it appreciated
by those around me.
I may be past the age of first bloom, but I have much still
to offer the world, and someday someone special who will share it with me,
and appreciate Me for who I am.

I have little patience for people who think respect should be

given without earning it.

(I swear at other drivers in the privacy of my car-yup, I do.)

I love music, though frankly it has been missing from my life for
a while now...
I love creating.

I am a woman. I have emotions and feelings, and they show.
I am past the point in my life where constant affirmation
and attention is demanded, proof of love...pay attention to me...not me.
Once..said sincerely..and truthfully..is enough.

I am someone who appreciates their own company.
I have no problem spending time alone, but fear always being alone.

I detest people who manipulate and lie...and have no problem showing it.

I have no patience with falseness of any kind.

I am a beautiful mature woman.
I have my own history, because I have lived.
I have survived the worst of it.
I am here.
You'd better believe it.

Into the Great Unknown

I'm not walking on the moon,
or in search of the deepest depths,
I'm starting over in life,
one without regrets.

Though this was not my choice
I venture now alone,
and take my first steps,
into the Great Unknown.

What will the future bring me?
Only time will tell,
but my strength to move forward
was from friends who always mean well.

Those years I spent waiting
for someone to love me in return
were a prison of my making
and in the end I was left spurned.

If I had been to myself true
I would never have stayed,
but I lost a battle in head and heart.
and in then end was betrayed.

So tomorrow I will set forth,
to begin a brand new life,
not waiting and wishing to someday
be that certain someones wife...

The joy I shared with friends of late
reminds me that I can
be someone special
without being attached to
one particular man.

I shared laughter today
unexpected when I feared tears,
because they all shared with me
something I had not felt in years.
People who like me for who I am
and not for who they wished I could be.

So as I start my move forward,
I can shed the sorrows of the past,
I have found again the person I was,
I have found 'Me' again at last.

To Thy Own-self be False

Practiced lies
one upon the other..
till you have a mountain of bullshit
so high you cannot dig out of it, or
circumvent around.

Wasting a life;
doomed to repeating your pattern
of failure you always blame on someone else.
(those from your past and surely more to come)

You whine that life has cheated you,
that you won't amount to anything, it's not fair..
and it's too late..God has forsaken me...what have I achieved??
Waaahhh.

You might want to stop your lies to yourself and others
long enough to realize that they are complete bullshit.
A life does not have to be some glorious
moment that the world celebrates because
You did something wonderful, and they are all
amazed at your brilliance.

It is simply a life you can be proud of,
even if it is a quiet unassuming one.
That pride and the sense of achievement
comes from doing the 'right' things,
not the things born of envy, lust, lies,
or self indulgence.

Please..continue your journey..
maybe someone will feel pity and offer
you a shovel before you are crushed
from the weight of the crap you spout..
Keep trying to pretend to the world that
you are not a huge hypocrite.
You can talk the talk, but never walk the walk.

To thine own self be...false.

Take Off

So..there I was...
Tossed out
to crawl out of the damage you wrought
with your mid life "oh my God" crisis,
and start over again.

When it happened it was a shock, a blow
I did not think I would recover from,
But I am.

For such a long time you
held my love and life in your care.
But you abused those gifts,
took them for granted,
ignored them,
and finally, did not want them anymore.
They were not enough.,
and why?
because You, and only You, stopped believing.
That and the itch in your pants that you believe is love..took over.

Now, instead of love, or even friendship
you choose to bully,
thump your chest...

(Like you can manipulate to get a victory of some sort.)

When I don't respond as You wish...or I stand up for myself and fight back. (oh no she didn't!)
it pisses you off.
You must be mistaken and think that You still matter..
This is me of now...not the me under your tender lying care.


You gave up the power you had over
My heart and My life,
it is not Yours anymore to
abuse at your whim.

I have a new Life beginning,
one where you are Not the
center of my anything.

I know that time will
help to erase
the lost love I gave to You;
replacing memories,
that only I seemed to care about,
(and I don't believe you really ever did)
with new ones.

A new life.
And I welcome back the real me.
Spirit whole..backbone straight,
sense of self worth..very good... 'check'
moxy in place...'check'...
humor returned....'starting countdown...'
confidence has returned...
enjoying each day...
smiling back at life...
All systems are Go for Take Off.
And there She goes.
What a sight to behold.


Tonight's song:

"I am already gone...
and I'm feeling strong..
I will sing..this victory song..
Because I am already gone."...The Eagles.

Distance

Distance is safe,
it keeps you from facing things
that show you made mistakes.
Distance insulates,
wrapping you in your perfect new world.
Distance protects you from your past,
the wrongs you did to others.
Distance a guilt-free zone,
where those that wept can be forgotten.
Distance is perfect
a step away, a pretentious new beginning.
Distance a hiding place,
where you can pretend that this time
is what you wanted.
Distance is a drug,
you can take to forget everything
that happened before.
Distance is a lie,
told only to yourself,
we can see what you intend.
Distance is a illusion
a magicians trick.

Distance is a mistake,
continuing a life
that hides the truth.
Distance a dream,
but no matter how far you run
the past is always there.

Quite Simply...You

You Fear a return that will never happen.
You Blame because you do not look within.
You Live with your own reckoning.
You Deride because you believe yourself superior.
You Took and blamed someone else for stealing.
You Hurt another just to be cruel.
You Acted for self gratification and ego.
You Quote because you have no words.
You Search to fix something broken.
You Fail because what you did was wrong.
You Deny because self truth eludes you.
You Lose because you tossed away good for bad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will forgive you because I
don't think you can see yourself.


I will forgive myself for not seeing past
what I wanted to be true.

I know that I was unwanted, someone better was
always being searched for.

I know I am past the worse but still healing.

I know it won't be easy for me to let go of my
memories, but I will try.

I know that I did love you...
and you never loved me,
or none of this would ever have happened.

Glib remarks about having some good times,
just reveal the truth, that you never intended
forever.

Being Used

being used
for what you had to give,
that was me, the purse in your eyes.
mercenary.,that was you,
Get what you can while you can.
Easy mark..that was me.
wanting to believe that you really loved me.

Not knowing what love really is, that is you.
Sexual desire? No.
Tenderness and touching?
No. You took that away.
Keeping someone till you used them up?
yes that was you.
Wanting to believe that love would fix the problem?
That was me.
Being honest and truthful?
Definitely not you.
To me or yourself.

Taking what you could while it was there and you needed it?
That was you.
Moving on to a new mark?
That was you, endlessly.
Appreciating what you had,
not you.
Destroying a life?
That was you. Planned and carried through
without remorse.
Destined to reap what you sow?
That is you as well.

Starting over:
that is me.
Starting over?
So not you..you continue your same story.

Robbed of a life, furry kids, and a future?
That is me.
The one who stole that life? ..that is you.
What have you left me?

Destined to repeat mistakes?
That is you.
Destined to fight for survival?
That is me.

Never to trust again?
that is me.
Always to use women as commodities?
that is you.

what's in it for me?
that is you.
what is left?
that is me.

No Champion Here

There is no champion sitting at my desk

nor typing on this keyboard.

Only someone who fell in love

with someone who did not love her back.

Who gave out of love and made bad decisions

while doing so.

Who still feels lost, even though time has past

and the hurt should be fading, but it is

still there, buried deep.

Who battles and while fighting

with all her heart, can see the war is lost.

Wearing armor that is hollow, she now stands breathing

hard, sword stuck in the dirt at her feet.

The battlefield of her life lays empty

before tired eyes, any rewards won are

long lost.

Wiping away sweat that stings her eyes, turning

and walking off the field, no winner in this life;

her grounded sword left behind.

Ghosts from her past follow her silently.

They were lost, but still remain,

accompanying a failed warrior,

hushed but present, reminders

of a different day.

Windows to the soul

Eyes shuttered,

hiding the window that frames the soul.

Brown that used to sparkle

with merry intent,

a smile from within

their depths,

not always shown through generous smiles.

The secrets of faith and love

used to live there,

and hope would frequently peek

through.

Now all three fading, whispered away,

by memories, lost efforts, and

overwhelming odds.

Strangely once the lids rise

there is no message of despair written there,

just acceptance of now;

clearly seeing past, present and future.

The doors from the past are locked,

the future shrinking, doors disappearing,

a maze that used to be wider with possibilities.

All seen with eyes that have seen too much,

and have become guarded instead of

hope filled,

No longer wishing, no longer wanting.

just waiting.

Old Man, One possible future.

A shock of white hair

and brows over set burning

angry bitter eyes,

glowering, alone in a

room, sitting solitary, the result of your life.

Decisions made

in your past

decided your future;

a mirror of one you once

held in awe, but never understood.

Who knows what makes each of us

walk the course we set in life.

To be all things that were him

was a goal that once made

decided your fate.

Where he had three, you had the same.

Where he walked, you had wanted to follow.

Turning aside those

who were part of your youth,

to achieve what you wanted, emulating

to be the same angry bitter man,

with regrets too late to repair.

Those burning eyes searching

the past looking for reasons,

while you wait, sadly

still not understanding,

that the choices you made

put you where you are today.

Just Regular Folks

porch sitting

enjoying the day with a breeze playing

and dancing over you, not too hot or cold.

Diving into a good book

and receiving each new page as

a gift just for you.

Drive in the country

with the windows down,

and smelling what Mother nature has

given us, watching trees and farms

pass by.

Simple food, good company,

sharing holidays with family and friends.

Becoming engrossed in a movie,

sharing the emotions and or adrenalin rush

with the characters portrayed.

Savoring the taste of the first cup of coffee for the day...

nothing quite like it.

Old fashioned pleasures

that are so often over looked.

Nothing world changing in the everyday life

we live, just a hazy blending of good and bad.

Not trying to be glamorous, or something other

than who we are, just regular folk.

When laughter and tears are what we are made of;

when shared thoughts are received and given back;

where life is good, but not something

unachievable, not a fantasy,

but a very good thing to be thankful for.

Just regular folk.

We are happy for it,

you can keep life in the fast lane..

speeding tickets are hell

on a budget.

When

When I am not crying, I am pretty good company...

when I am not tangled up in why questions..

I can be fun to hang out with.

When I can look in a mirror and smile at myself

then I can say she's ok people.

When you test me for reaction

I can smile and know I let it go.

When the smile is not bitter but real

then I know I am over you.

When I step forward

I'm not looking back with regret.

When tomorrow arrives

I will shrug off my past and embrace the new beginning.

When I think of myself as a person

I can see someone worthy of love.

Not so Innocent

Little girl talk
Little girl pretend
Look in the mirror
And tell me how it ends.
You are not the first
you won't be the last
the places you are driven
were shared in his past.
The road he travels
the stories he tells
were given to others
that he bid farewell.
A new one to coax
a new one to charm
look in the mirror
and say you've not done harm.
a passing moment
in the story of his life
you joined right in
despite a fiance and a wife.
Who are You deceiving?
Who do You tell lies?
Karma's a bitch,
just waiting for your cries.
Not so innocent
despite a pretty pout,
What will this bring you?
You figure it out.
Just number three,
another notch on his pole
not a place of honor
while you play your role.
And while you are playing
and believe it's for real
another heart is for breaking
that IS his deal.
You have but a short time
what you've gained
with your lies,
to play with your Daddy
so a word to the wise...
Both of you planned,
Both of you lied.
to cheat on a loved one,
to bring pain filled cries;
to hurt without care,
someone who did nothing to you
will bring you both to a down fall
that is way over due.

The Toad

Amid a gaseous bubbling swamp
he sits sunk deep in mud;
yellow eyes lowered to slits
waiting for a wandering bug.

Lumpy- bumpy gray body
fat, and swollen with his greed;
slimy tongue sliding across thin lips
and always, always the need to feed.

He was not always thus,
this evil toad, who lives lonely in the muck,
till he lied so much that others hopped
away from his worsening luck.

No other creature would venture close,
this toad so mean and foul,
till one day when waiting for a unwary victim
he was swallowed by a passing owl.



Tonight's song dedication:
Froggy went a'courting

Curb Level View

It's hard to see over the curb
when you been pushed down to it's level.
Even on tip toes and stretching hard,
jumping up and down and trying to grab the ledge..
seeing over the top is hard work.
Frustratingly painful, each inch a mile.
Once you do gain ground,
you try to find your place again on the sidewalk;
also hard to do, where did you leave off?
Trying hard to not step on the cracks,
it might send me back,
watch out for those lines..the one's that
remind you, just in case you forget,
who put you there at curb level.
Aiming for higher ground, dodging lines,
trying to do the right thing,
all the while remembering what it was like to
walk that sidewalk everyday with confidence. and assurance that
this is where you belonged.
Not as sure of yourself as you were,
leery of what used to be, yet
wanting a small part of that to remain,
to help you keep your balance on the walk.
There is that line again, messing with you,
could not see it coming, and you waiver...recovering once again.
Strides growing longer, eyes open for all
obstacles, a sense of you returning;
Wishing the lines would not be so cruelly intended,
meant to remind you of life at curb level.
Stay the course, walk straight, swing your arms
with confidence..this is your stride, your walk.
So maker of lines, join in, or go back to your own curb level view.
This is My sidewalk.
Guests are welcome, but not their lines.
Good bye curb level view.

Adrift

Cut from my mooring and floating away,
My boat rolls with the waves, oarless,
going where the wind and the currents take me.


Eyes search the horizon that blurs with blue where the water meets
the sky, sunlight glinting on faraway waves.
Nothing else in sight, but I can hear the call of gulls
that faintly echo from a distant shore, and the slapping
of water against the hull of the boat.


A fog gently rolls in, ghosting the sunlight away, till even
the boat is misty around me.
Perched on my seat, hands holding onto either side
as the boat rolls over and down each passing wave.
The fog chills and sends goosebumps over my skin.


Where will this current take me?
Endless rolling waves, with no destination,
no land in sight.
Wishing for a way to control the boat,
but without paddles or a sail, there is
no way to guide my journey.


Destination, future unknown.
I am adrift.
There is no sense of freedom in being lost,
no port to which my heart can call home.


**********************************************************************


* I have some friends that worry, I told them not to, it is just a case of being lost in limbo.
no worries...k

The Ocean Floor

The ocean floor is cold and dark, strong currents push through the depths;
the sunny surface is far away, too far to reach out and touch.
Time has buried some treasures there, disguised in coral and barnacles,
now a mysterious mound of what-nots, that may or may not be found.
The citizens of the deepest blue swim blindly admists the blackness,
their lives spent in constant cold, what they were born to be, odd and
frightenly beautiful;
all held tight to life in the coldest of the sea, the surface never to be encountered.

The Hallway in Dream Time

i am the ghost that follows you..follows you..
down hallways of your past.
dark and empty now, my spirit has
moved on...only a shadow remains, only my shadow remains.
my face will visit you in your dreams...
defeating conscious thought,
this voice will echo through your night,
smiling with you, laughing with you.
pushed aside in waking hours,
knocking on your dreams when you close your eyes.
waving hello, remember me,
once here, now out of sight.
i will stay a part of you, my heart was true.
till morning sun washes my image
disappearing as you open your eyes,
i wait in the hallway of your dreams.




* this seems to be a fairly popular post on Souly..so it will be the first posted here.